I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
