I smell stomach acid.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
