Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
