I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
