she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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