carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
