Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
