my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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