Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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