someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Randomize
