i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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