Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
