haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Randomize
