Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
