We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
