i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
