girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
