So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
