I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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