Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
