I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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