She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
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