Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Randomize
