The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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