So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
Sober January is a disaster.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
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