why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
