i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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