just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
