so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
