If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Randomize
