i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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