God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
