you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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