i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Drunk is a universal language darling
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
