Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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