Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
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