i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
