I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
