She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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