remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
