I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
