I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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