It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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