Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
