Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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