I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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