He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
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so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
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At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I'm too high and old for this...
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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