He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
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