Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Floor bacon is actually really good
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