textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
