tell your sister to shave her snatch
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
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