You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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