I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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