frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
He shit in the fireplace
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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