Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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