genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.