if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
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So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
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I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk