Pants 0. Shit 1.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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