"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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