I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Randomize
