so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
